ellasomething: The beginning of a process. (Canvasing)

(Long time no post, 'ey?)

I'm in no mood today to drag my words, so you're going to get it straight-up from me.

Writing is cathartic. That's mainly why I do it at all, it's the reason I first started, and it's probably the only thing about it that sustains me. It's probably one of the most proficient ways of releasing all of one's frustration, and annoyance, and anger at all the pointless bullshit in both the world and in one's life.

That being said, I'm not very good at using the outpouring of words that contain all of these sinister emotions—good on their own, as emotions go, but too much is much too much—into pieces of fiction that can actually be shown to the public. Or a public. Or make sense in any way whatsoever.

Which just leads to more frustration—surprise, surprise!

Because I was told one can totally do that. Use writing, that is. Use it to accomplish something, something productive, something more than just letting off some stream and releasing the "negative vibes".

Frankly, I feel a bit cheated. More so, however, I feel wildly disappointed; I'm not quite sure in what, or whom, though.

Am I the one that hasn't figured out how to use cathartic writing to my own advantage? Maybe I'm to blame. Is it my hair? I feel like it's my hair. (It usually is.) Maybe the emotions are all wrong. I just. Don't. Know. Hence the added frustration and the sense of purposelessness.

(So this was a rant after all. Only it was a very short one, I guess.)

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

Yesterday I was dithering over what to post. It wasn't that I was feeling irresolute as such; things just kept piling up until I ran out of time to write something comprehensive and lengthy up, and I was banking on a shorter post to get me through, though that obviously didn't happen either.

Then this morning I got a very angry and emotional message that blamed me for an awful situation currently occurring and pointed out not-so-subtly how I had screwed up.

I've literally been crying, ringing people up, and then crying some more for the past forty-five minutes.

After I calmed down enough for my hands to stop shaking, I realised I needed to form a strategy. Crying and letting the pain out is all fine and good, but this won't solve anything or contribute meaningfully to moving forward.

This entire thing is my fault for many reasons, though the main one is putting my trust in someone who has previously been not particularly discreet and hoping for the best. It's my own stupidity at work here, but, at the same time, I know I can't control other people's actions and thoughts. The irony is that I predicted this outcome each and every time this topic has cropped up, yet I was woefully unprepared for the maelstrom of emotions I would be feeling. I think part of me just didn't believe it would ever come to this.

My thoughts have been running into spirals; that's the most visual representation I can come up with. Again irony: I love spirals. But, to get back on topic, I've been spiralling mentally, not knowing what to do, or if anything can be done at this point, by me. This realisation in itself produced a very different change of mood.

I have only part of the facts, the person I offended is refusing to talk to me, the instigator would neither contribute to a solution nor provide any mental and/or emotional solace, my potential saviour (or at least the one person thinking clearly) has shit to do that takes precedence for the moment, and all I can do, many kilometres away from the drama as I am, is sit tight. I've run over my options, and I realised I have shit to do as well.

Basically, if the victim in this needs time to cool off before talking to me, I reserve the same right. I can't stall right now. The instigator will answer the phone ready to defend her actions, which will only serve to frustrate me more and probably make her more ready to think her actions correct and enlightened (or any such bullshit). I can only wait for the two people who can either have it out with me or provide new information on this whole kerfuffle.

I'm endeavouring, above all, to stay both calm and non-angry. My becoming truly angry right now would mean defensiveness and poor decision-making and probably a more severe breakdown later on.

Actually, staying calm is a good strategy overall. I need to think clearly and have a mature conversation when the time comes. Listening and hearing what the other person has to say is essential because my head is already full of worst case scenarios and I desperately need refocus my thinking, even if that only occurs on the spot.

In the end, life has to go on for everyone involved. I'm just glad I didn't have to attend anything of consequence this morning, or even later today. Mentally, I am barely coping.

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ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Default)
Ella Nicoară

October 2015

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