I've been away from posting for quite some time—holy shit it's been just over five weeks what even!—, mainly due to my own issues with focusing and all that. There are always so many things going on that I can't really process it all, which is in itself not a great state of events, although I am working towards remedying that. Hell, even as I'm writing this particular post I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on making a point as such, if you know what I mean, though I'm fighting to write the damn post anyway because. This. Shit. Needs. To. Get. Done.
In any case, in this period of my life I'm still struggling with a million different things, as per usual, but what I would like to post about right now is how I'm sort of trampling all over the nicely-drawn boundaries of what I'm supposed to do with the degree I am about to receive, as well as the newly-minted life-course I had so painstakingly come up with in order to have something resembling a life goal.
I realised, over the course of this semester, that I should be branching out as much as I can in order to have an actual occupation come autumn. I'm not where I should be when it comes to academic work. I'm twenty-seven, which freaks me out in and of itself, but considering my peers are much further along than I am right at this very moment, the freaking-out factor is even higher. Therefore, I have begun to explore possible paths in unusual (for me) fields I would not have seriously considered in the past, not because there's anything wrong with the fields themselves but rather because I never saw myself as a good fit for them.
Even as I am applying for all sorts of posts, etc. that have nothing to do with what my plan for myself was even two months ago, I do know deep down inside that I am very unlikely to get what I want, but at least I'm going for it. These potential things I'm never going to get might just lead to something else, even if right now they're dead ends. And, really, there's nothing wrong with just simply going for it and applying even when you know you're the least likely candidate. I'm not a fan of networking, I suck at it when I do try, and it's not the sort of skill that is essential to my existence. However, building long-lasting professional relationships will have to happen somehow, and I'm willing to find alternatives to old-fashioned networking type things. This might just be my version of that.
To be perfectly honest, I've kind of stopped caring whether what I'm going for is appropriate or likely to lead to anything at all, as long as I come out of it at the end. There's so much fear and anxiety in me at any given point of the day, that I might as well stop functioning as a human being in society—but this is far from being an option! Hence, e-mails and applications and awkward online forms-filling because why not.
I'm not sure I made an actual point in this post, but, again, the caring side of me is on a break for the time being.