Mon, Mar. 2nd, 2015

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I was privy to a conversation today—by which I mean I eavesdropped like nobody's business while pretending to be reading printouts as the printer kept spewing out paper—that essentially consisted of the office crew in my residential college remarking how the students this year are very uninvolved and how the same pool of twenty people or so are continuously the ones involved in pretty much everything.

Besides agreeing wholeheartedly—credit where credit's due—, I had to bite my tongue (literally!) in order to not begin screaming (OK, maybe just frustratedly speaking) about their complete cliquish behaviour since the moment I arrived back a month ago.

One of them keeps looking at me as if I'm personally offending her with my very existence. Another looked pained that she made a pre-party invitation available to a group I was coincidentally part of. This other guy just seems perpetually confused by my presence, though he goes with it as much as he can.

I try not to be the "new girl" all the fraking time, but, even after a month and one major event I participated in fully, it appears I won't be anything but until the moment I graduate.

It's neither a nice nor a pleasant position to be in, but I'm not sure I have a choice in the matter. I feel awkward and embarrassed, and now I have a stupid crush on top of everything else. The group that's complaining about lack of participation is doing nothing to facilitate integration, and, honestly, I'm just not willing to put in the emotional effort I could be using for something truly useful. I'm all for getting to know people and becoming friends and participating in anything that raises the profile of the college, but I just can't do all the work here; I'm past putting everything of myself into it without receiving anything back.

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