ellasomething: The beginning of a process. (Canvasing)

(Long time no post, 'ey?)

I'm in no mood today to drag my words, so you're going to get it straight-up from me.

Writing is cathartic. That's mainly why I do it at all, it's the reason I first started, and it's probably the only thing about it that sustains me. It's probably one of the most proficient ways of releasing all of one's frustration, and annoyance, and anger at all the pointless bullshit in both the world and in one's life.

That being said, I'm not very good at using the outpouring of words that contain all of these sinister emotions—good on their own, as emotions go, but too much is much too much—into pieces of fiction that can actually be shown to the public. Or a public. Or make sense in any way whatsoever.

Which just leads to more frustration—surprise, surprise!

Because I was told one can totally do that. Use writing, that is. Use it to accomplish something, something productive, something more than just letting off some stream and releasing the "negative vibes".

Frankly, I feel a bit cheated. More so, however, I feel wildly disappointed; I'm not quite sure in what, or whom, though.

Am I the one that hasn't figured out how to use cathartic writing to my own advantage? Maybe I'm to blame. Is it my hair? I feel like it's my hair. (It usually is.) Maybe the emotions are all wrong. I just. Don't. Know. Hence the added frustration and the sense of purposelessness.

(So this was a rant after all. Only it was a very short one, I guess.)

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I've been trying to not freak out about tonight... but I'm off to watch Avengers: Age of Ultron!

I've been possibly misleading people about how much I'm obsessed with the MCU, but, yeah, I think they might possibly freak out about how freaked out I am currently being. But good freaking out. On my part. Yeah, I'm not making much sense, am I?

So. Yeah. This is the post.

Or, no, wait. This post might also be about the things that I expect to happen. But then I don't really have time to mention them. 'Cause I should be out the door by five for rehearsal. And then AVENGING!

Short and sweet: Hawkeye better not die! Winter Soldier?!? Black Widow needs to talk to some other female characters, OK?!? Black Widow/Wanda 4EVAH!!!

All righty.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I've been away from posting for quite some time—holy shit it's been just over five weeks what even!—, mainly due to my own issues with focusing and all that. There are always so many things going on that I can't really process it all, which is in itself not a great state of events, although I am working towards remedying that. Hell, even as I'm writing this particular post I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on making a point as such, if you know what I mean, though I'm fighting to write the damn post anyway because. This. Shit. Needs. To. Get. Done.

In any case, in this period of my life I'm still struggling with a million different things, as per usual, but what I would like to post about right now is how I'm sort of trampling all over the nicely-drawn boundaries of what I'm supposed to do with the degree I am about to receive, as well as the newly-minted life-course I had so painstakingly come up with in order to have something resembling a life goal.

I realised, over the course of this semester, that I should be branching out as much as I can in order to have an actual occupation come autumn. I'm not where I should be when it comes to academic work. I'm twenty-seven, which freaks me out in and of itself, but considering my peers are much further along than I am right at this very moment, the freaking-out factor is even higher. Therefore, I have begun to explore possible paths in unusual (for me) fields I would not have seriously considered in the past, not because there's anything wrong with the fields themselves but rather because I never saw myself as a good fit for them.

Even as I am applying for all sorts of posts, etc. that have nothing to do with what my plan for myself was even two months ago, I do know deep down inside that I am very unlikely to get what I want, but at least I'm going for it. These potential things I'm never going to get might just lead to something else, even if right now they're dead ends. And, really, there's nothing wrong with just simply going for it and applying even when you know you're the least likely candidate. I'm not a fan of networking, I suck at it when I do try, and it's not the sort of skill that is essential to my existence. However, building long-lasting professional relationships will have to happen somehow, and I'm willing to find alternatives to old-fashioned networking type things. This might just be my version of that.

To be perfectly honest, I've kind of stopped caring whether what I'm going for is appropriate or likely to lead to anything at all, as long as I come out of it at the end. There's so much fear and anxiety in me at any given point of the day, that I might as well stop functioning as a human being in society—but this is far from being an option! Hence, e-mails and applications and awkward online forms-filling because why not.

I'm not sure I made an actual point in this post, but, again, the caring side of me is on a break for the time being.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I anticipate being pretty much useless for the rest of today.

I found out about an hour or so ago that Terry Pratchett died earlier today.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say that isn't useless blather. Or maybe another unintentionally big sigh would help? Crying in the library certainly did... sorta. (Everyone in here with me can suck the big one!)

I opened a new document to type this in, only to realise at the end of the last sentence that I can't really come up with anything enlightened or witty or interest to say/add.

Sigh.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I was privy to a conversation today—by which I mean I eavesdropped like nobody's business while pretending to be reading printouts as the printer kept spewing out paper—that essentially consisted of the office crew in my residential college remarking how the students this year are very uninvolved and how the same pool of twenty people or so are continuously the ones involved in pretty much everything.

Besides agreeing wholeheartedly—credit where credit's due—, I had to bite my tongue (literally!) in order to not begin screaming (OK, maybe just frustratedly speaking) about their complete cliquish behaviour since the moment I arrived back a month ago.

One of them keeps looking at me as if I'm personally offending her with my very existence. Another looked pained that she made a pre-party invitation available to a group I was coincidentally part of. This other guy just seems perpetually confused by my presence, though he goes with it as much as he can.

I try not to be the "new girl" all the fraking time, but, even after a month and one major event I participated in fully, it appears I won't be anything but until the moment I graduate.

It's neither a nice nor a pleasant position to be in, but I'm not sure I have a choice in the matter. I feel awkward and embarrassed, and now I have a stupid crush on top of everything else. The group that's complaining about lack of participation is doing nothing to facilitate integration, and, honestly, I'm just not willing to put in the emotional effort I could be using for something truly useful. I'm all for getting to know people and becoming friends and participating in anything that raises the profile of the college, but I just can't do all the work here; I'm past putting everything of myself into it without receiving anything back.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I haven't had a genuine crush on someone in a while. I can confidently say I have not had any degree of interest in anyone for a very long time.

And tonight is the night I realised that has possibly changed.

This realisation came accompanied by a knowing smile from a girl I know not very well, but whom I can confidently say probably thinks I'm an idiot and very obvious in my newly-discovered crush. Which just caused even more distress because I was the odd person out. I'm awkward enough as it is without feeling vulnerable and being put on the spot emotionally.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. I'm partially in shock about this entire thing, so maybe I'm not making a whole lot of sense. Also, it's three in the morning and my judgement is not very sound.

I need to think on this. There's a lot of potential for badness and continued awkwardness, and, honestly, I think getting over it swiftly and quietly is the best course of action.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

What is truly troubling and mind-boggling is having to explain to intelligent, liberally-educated young adults living in the year 2015 in one of the most developed and knowledge- and information-rich countries in the world why being a homophobic transphobic sexist asshat is not OK.

Then again, this is the same university campus that a professor recently commented upon as being a "toxic environment".

I should not be surprised, genuinely I should not be, and yet I'm still shocked sometimes by the things I hear. Or am told. To my face. With a cheeky smile to accompany the matter-of-fact statement.

This would be a prime example to cite when being "questioned" as to why I do not socialise.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

Yesterday I was dithering over what to post. It wasn't that I was feeling irresolute as such; things just kept piling up until I ran out of time to write something comprehensive and lengthy up, and I was banking on a shorter post to get me through, though that obviously didn't happen either.

Then this morning I got a very angry and emotional message that blamed me for an awful situation currently occurring and pointed out not-so-subtly how I had screwed up.

I've literally been crying, ringing people up, and then crying some more for the past forty-five minutes.

After I calmed down enough for my hands to stop shaking, I realised I needed to form a strategy. Crying and letting the pain out is all fine and good, but this won't solve anything or contribute meaningfully to moving forward.

This entire thing is my fault for many reasons, though the main one is putting my trust in someone who has previously been not particularly discreet and hoping for the best. It's my own stupidity at work here, but, at the same time, I know I can't control other people's actions and thoughts. The irony is that I predicted this outcome each and every time this topic has cropped up, yet I was woefully unprepared for the maelstrom of emotions I would be feeling. I think part of me just didn't believe it would ever come to this.

My thoughts have been running into spirals; that's the most visual representation I can come up with. Again irony: I love spirals. But, to get back on topic, I've been spiralling mentally, not knowing what to do, or if anything can be done at this point, by me. This realisation in itself produced a very different change of mood.

I have only part of the facts, the person I offended is refusing to talk to me, the instigator would neither contribute to a solution nor provide any mental and/or emotional solace, my potential saviour (or at least the one person thinking clearly) has shit to do that takes precedence for the moment, and all I can do, many kilometres away from the drama as I am, is sit tight. I've run over my options, and I realised I have shit to do as well.

Basically, if the victim in this needs time to cool off before talking to me, I reserve the same right. I can't stall right now. The instigator will answer the phone ready to defend her actions, which will only serve to frustrate me more and probably make her more ready to think her actions correct and enlightened (or any such bullshit). I can only wait for the two people who can either have it out with me or provide new information on this whole kerfuffle.

I'm endeavouring, above all, to stay both calm and non-angry. My becoming truly angry right now would mean defensiveness and poor decision-making and probably a more severe breakdown later on.

Actually, staying calm is a good strategy overall. I need to think clearly and have a mature conversation when the time comes. Listening and hearing what the other person has to say is essential because my head is already full of worst case scenarios and I desperately need refocus my thinking, even if that only occurs on the spot.

In the end, life has to go on for everyone involved. I'm just glad I didn't have to attend anything of consequence this morning, or even later today. Mentally, I am barely coping.

ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Photo Booth)

I haven't been getting much sleep since about Sunday. And then there's all this crap I had to get done in such a short time due mainly yesterday and today.

Hence today's been, understandably, kind of an intense blur.

Like, I can recall what I've been doing as if someone were hitting me upside the head the entire time, and my vision turned out all blurry because of it.

(Or something along those lines?)

Fuck, do I even make sense right now?

In any case, while I was in class today, silently freaking out about the presentation I was about to give, while still trying my best to pay attention to the Abbé Sieyès, "What is the Third Estate?" presentation once removed from mine—not because it represented new information, but rather that the professor and/or the presenter might notice I was so not paying attention to anything other than my own crap—it occurred to me (I swear I have a point in this sentence!) that cis-het white privilege is similar to aristocratic and clergy privilege as outlined in the pamphlet.

My point in a nutshell to how there is a pattern of continued social discrimination which extends to LGBTQQIAAP+, POC, and just generally to unvoiced, unrepresented voices. We are the third estate.

(Does this make sense?)

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ellasomething: Ella. Duh. (Default)
Ella Nicoară

October 2015

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